Count Your Many Blessings...Every Doubt Will Fly!

Hello! This is actually Janelle- can you believe it! :) Really, I am doing well, and I had better get on here and tell you so! I admit I have been hesitant to share much because really, do you want all these details? I'm sure you have better things to do! But during this recovery, I have been reading Paul Cardall's book and I've been inspired with how he shared his thoughts through his blog during his heart transplant, and decided I should share more of how I have felt and what's been happening!

I apologize if this is a repeat for some of you that have followed so closely!
(There are pictures below if you would like to see!)

PHYSICALLY:

I was blessed to have an amazing brain surgeon, Dr. Peter Maughan, perform surgery on December 10th. He was able to remove a third of the tumor that has been wrapping around my optic nerve, carotid artery, and lots of other places! He said he was more worried after surgery than before, to realize how complex the tumor was, almost fused with the 3rd nerve, which controls the movement of the eyelid. As a result, my eye cannot open right now. The tumor was pretty hard, but he did an excellent job removing what he was able to. The diagnosis was great- a benign meningioma, grade 1. He said it was the best kind of tumor, but growing in the worst place. Dr. Maughan was incredible to visit me each day- even on Saturday and Sunday with his cute daughters in tow, and one morning called us back at 3:00 a.m. when we needed his expert advice! How blessed we are to have him.

If you saw pictures of me the first day I was in ICU, I was a swollen, purple-eyed, iodine-soaked mess! (Thanks for those troopers who tried to come in and visit-- I know I wasn't an appealing site or really conscious to acknowledge you!) I was moved to the regular floor for supervision, where I had many bouts with nausea and vomiting. During this time, I was approached by a nurse about my diabetes not being as tightly controlled as it should be. If you know me well, you know I check my blood often, run a lot to control my sugars, and have had a difficult time keeping it where it should be. This upset my mom and I, and pretty soon, we had a visit from my favorite diabetic RN growing up! She was there when I was diagnosed 20 years ago, and she was so helpful. She brought in an endocrinologist, Dr. Ehrenkranz, who has come to be one of our favorite people! He gave us insight into the fact that this meningioma (the tumor) would cause great problems in keeping my blood sugar under control, and commended me for doing as well as I have done. What a relief and lightbulb! I also appreciated Dr. E's sympathy. "The fact that you have diabetes stinks, but to have this meningioma on top of it all-- that REALLY stinks!" We appreciated his attention and optimism through the stay in the hospital!

I had many wonderful nurses that I can't forget either! It's amazing what a difference an attentive and sympathetic nurse can make when you are trying to get better! I was finally able to come home a week after surgery, but after a few days I had to return because the vomiting at home got even worse. In the ER, they discovered from a blood test that my sodium and potassium levels were dangerously low. They got me on some great IV fluids that helped get me back to normal, and Dr. E prescribed "potato chips, chicken broth, and pizza." I guess I needed more salt with all the water I was drinking for my pills! Who knew!? I was able to go home the next day, feeling more myself than ever since the surgery!

When we saw the radiologist, he did NOT recommend doing radiation because of the many terrible side effects, one being that I could develop cancer. He said I am so young, that they would rather take MRIs every 3 months and watch it closely to see how it is growing. They may need to do radiation or surgery again down the road. So... I will not be losing my hair in the near future, and my eye will have a better opportunity to heal in the mean time. It may take months to years for my eye to work again, and even then I know it will be a miracle! But I believe in miracles!

Currently (almost a month later), I am moving around, walking or sitting up most the day, and able to use my one good eye for reading, writing, movies, etc.! If you see me, I look like I am winking really long at you!! ;) I do get tired easily, especially after climbing the stairs, and it's frustrating to me that I can't yet go running, but I'll get there again! I just wish I had less of an appetite if I can't yet go running! Walking is becoming a favorite past time!

EMOTIONALLY (the physical effects this)

People have asked me how I'm feeling about all of this, and I have been so at peace. My amazing family and supportive friends have been so encouraging, telling me lies like "You look good!" Okay, okay, they mean "for someone who has just had brain surgery." But after looking through some of my mom's pictures of me, I do look better now than the day after surgery! (I would hope so!) But truly, I am doing well. I did have a few tough days there for awhile where I was just DONE having my eye closed and trying to recover from the pain. One night when I was in terrible pain, just a week after surgery, I said, "Mom, this is NOT my favorite trial!" The pain has really lessened, and I'm so glad!!! But one day when I was really down, I prayed for guidance and help. The next day I listened to a talk by an amazing lady, Merilee Boyack, who shared how she worked to stay positive while she dealt with breast cancer. It reminded me of thoughts like, "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." (Albert Einstein) I wanted to keep striving for hope, and live positively, knowing that the negative attitude will not help me get better. Pres. Uchtdorf said, "Hope is like a beam of sunlight, rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn."

I'm so grateful that I was able to recognize where the negativity and despair was coming from and return to optimism, and HOPE in our Savior and in the future! That evening I had one of the best nights at my aunt's house for New Year's Eve, enjoying the chance to see my awesome relatives. My cousin even told me he had a dream that my eye opened! (I've had the same dream-- so it HAS to come about!) And the best of all-- I danced with my aunts, sister, and niece to some great tunes!! Oh, how dancing lifts my spirits!

I'm now still trying to overcome the struggle to go in public, especially with lots of people where I worry I'll bump into them, or find lots of them staring at me and wondering why my eye is closed. I tell myself, "forget about yourself, and just smile, and all will be well!" I believe people can sense when you are genuinely interested and sincere in your concern, and I don't want this challenge to hold me back from that! Although there are still anxieties in waiting when my sight will return, I am truly blessed and grateful for the gift of life, and I love life!!

SOCIALLY (helps the emotional state)

I do NOT know how to express the gratitude I owe to my parents through all of this. I know I chose who my parents were going to be in this life, and I wonder if it's after I discovered the trials I would go through. They have stood by me through so much, endured my every struggle with me. And here I am at age 32, and they are willing to go every step of the way- filling prescriptions, running errands, staying with me in the hospital, missing days at work, losing sleep, holding my throw-up bucket, stroking my hand, calling doctors countless times, updating my blog, and reading to me others' comments when I could barely sit up or look at anything. The list could go on even longer, I'm sure! Paul Cardall explained in his book that we feel the Lord's love and strength through the service of others. I couldn't agree more! My family has been what's got me through. All of my challenges have brought me closer to my family and to God, and I would not trade them for all the money in the world! In fact, two days before surgery, my parents and all my siblings who could come to the temple and lived in Utah, did a special session with me at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. I wanted to visit one last time with my family before heading in to surgery. We had so much fun together after as we went to dinner. Thanks you guys!

Friends are amazing, and I'm so thankful for the happy memories and time with friends (and family who I consider my friends!) that have helped carry me through. I am so thankful God blessed me to be well for the special "Bethlehem dinner" with my family the Sunday before Christmas before having to back to the hospital. That night each person in the family- including nieces and nephews- shared their feelings about the Savior. I couldn't have asked for a better gift than to be so spiritually uplifted, and the chance to see each of them that night was what I needed. Thanks to all of you for coming and being so concerned about me- the best family.

Many of your visits, gifts, comments on my blog, cards, and flowers sent have touched me deeply. As my mom read many of these notes in the hospital it overcame me with such emotion and love that I couldn't find the words. God has been extremely kind, generous, and loving to me. Doctors have the skills to heal the body-- and Friends heal the mind! You have shown me what kind of friend you are as Elder Maxwell describes: "Of a truth, those who can easily bend their knees in prayer do not feel they are stooping when they bend to help a neighbor in need."

INTELLECTUALLY (helps keep me going)

Over the past few weeks, I have paid close attention to the things that help-- good books, like reading the Bible, Book of Mormon, and other inspiring books, and seeking after the "good things" keep my spirits up. There are so many worthwhile ways to spend our time. My list of books to read is piling up, the more that I read, and I love how life can be so fulfilling and enjoyable as we seek for the good! I look forward to each working day-- now, and in the future when I will be in full, good health!

SPIRITUALLY (best for last-- this has helped me most of all!)

I am so thankful for the way I've been able to see the Lord's hand through this challenge. I know that expressing gratitude and thanks for all the things in our lives brings His love in our hearts. I know that through all the of the suffering and struggle, that God is our friend. I know that I can call upon the Savior's Atonement in my most painful and dark hours and find comfort in knowing He has suffered all things. He has brought me strength. It was a great blessing to travel to Israel for 12 days, and head to surgery two days after returning, with thoughts of the Atonement and the glorious resurrection in my mind. I know He will come again to rule and reign, and I want to be faithful to Him, no matter the price.

I know that the Lord will set before us what we need, but not always what we like. This will require us to accept with all our hearts that there is a divine design. I know that when the vision comes back, it will be according to the will of the Lord. I know it's in the Lord's hands.

I quoted words from a song "I Will Not Be Still" at my mission farewell, and they seem very appropriate again at this point in my life:
"I put my future in his hands, knowing he's made me all I am.
I put my faith in Him, and truth begins to speak."

I am so grateful for my testimony of prayer, and for parents who pray with me every night. I pray for all of you who have been praying for me so diligently, asking the Lord to bless you for your love and faith.

I wish everyone had the support that I have felt from my family and friends. It makes me sad to think that many don't. We need to reach out to others! Which is what I want to be doing more of through this recovery. Let me know if you need me!

The "Before" Picture, 5:30 a.m. on Dec. 10th


A couple days after surgery-- the pictures we got right after are way to gruesome to show! :)


Here's one that doesn't show too much gross stuff but gives you a little bit of an idea!


The great Dr. Maughan- my surgeon!


The amazing Dr. Ehrenkranz, the endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) who helped me at the hospital!


Mom happily doing her duty of throwing away my throw up! Notice the rubber gloves!


The bruising started turning more yellow after several days.


This is when I am finally feeling so much better after the 2nd trip to the hospital!


Yeah! I am finally feeling good enough to be OUTTA HERE!


Enjoying Christmas Eve with my family!


Opening a gift from Grandma!


Enjoying Christmas vacation in the PJs from my students and a good book!